Oct 23 2009
Is it Selfish to Follow Your Passion?
Young SoCal business dude Jun Loayza wrote a post on his blog a few weeks ago called Why I Can’t Do What I’m Passionate About. He also recently wrote a comment over on Thrilling Heroics (both are excellent blogs you should check out). His original post got me thinking and his recent comment got me thinking some more.
Jun seems to find the whole ‘follow your passion’ type lifestyle appealing, but he worries about the future and wonders how he will be able to afford a house and a wedding, how he will be able to look after his family financially and how he will put his kids through school if he spends his life chasing his passion. He wonders whether quitting a lucrative job to chase a dream is the responsible thing to do or if by doing this he’s turning his back on his responsibilities.
Reading about Jun’s struggles with these issues got me thinking about them myself, probably for the first time. I like to plan and to be prepared but, to be honest, looking forward to anywhere beyond a few years is a stretch for me. Does the fact that I’m not thinking about the future and concentrating on me make me a selfish person? I’m not sure.
I don’t feel like my parents will have a terrible life if they don’t have my financial support when they’re old and grey. If my kids have to pay for their own tuition, it’s not really that bad… so did I and it’s not the end of the world. In fact, I think it builds character not to have your life handed to you by your parents and even if I were loaded I would still make the kiddies slog it out for a few years at McDonald’s. Wedding? I’m not too concerned about impressing people with a lavish wedding and would much prefer something small, simple, and non-traditional surrounded by people who don’t care about the type of flowers I put on the dinner tables. House? I’m not sure I want a house in one place just yet but, even if I did, there’s no reason to assume that I would be able to save more money working a ’steady’ job that I would working on my own business, especially if I’m able to keep my living costs down by living in cheap countries.
Having thought about these potential problems that will arise 10, 20 or 30 years from now for the first time, none of them really seem that bad to me. Making it through any of the above mentioned scenarios on a modest or even a low income is certainly possible, especially if I don’t have any debt and live my life simply as I expect to.
Having worked 20 years in a great job and having $200,000 in the bank by the time the kid is ready for college might work for some people but for me, I would much rather see where my life takes me and cross those bridges when I come to them. Saving money for a child I don’t have seems crazy to me. If and when I ever have one, my tune might change but I will worry about it then, not now.
I think it’s wonderful to think about the future of your family and I admire people who are able to give so much of themselves. For me though, I prefer to live in the moment and get through life’s big hurdles as they present themselves. Besides, right now is the best time to be selfish and irresponsible: healthy parents, no kids, no wedding plans, no mortgage. From here on in things will just get more complicated. If I can’t enjoy myself now, I guess I’ll need to wait until my parents are dead and gone, the kids have moved out and the house is paid off and suddenly I’m 55. No thanks.
What about you guys? Whether you’re just taking a year or two off to travel or if you’re trying to start a business and follow your dreams, do you feel you’re being selfish? Do any of you stress about the future and try to do everything in your power now to make life easier later or do you just take things as they come? Let me know what you think.
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I've been travelling since January 2008 living off earnings from the web. Follow me as I bum around Asia and beyond, getting up to mischief and working online as I go. 
Hey Kirsty!
Thanks for mentioning my post and you bring up a lot of good points. I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic (as you can tell from my posts and comments) and I still have not found an answer.
I thought about traveling the world and experiencing every culture. Wow, that would be amazing! Then I thought about giving my girlfriend the wedding of her dreams (which will cost more than $100,000). Which would I prefer to do?
I thought about living in Spain for a year to experience life over there. Then I thought about buying my Dad the house he has always wanted. Which would make me happier in the end?
Right now I have this position: GIVING would ultimately make me happiest. I want to give my girlfriend everything she dreams of. I want to give my parents a nice, relaxed, comfortable retirement. I want to give my future family a 2-story house next to the beach and the best schools money can buy.
I want to take my future family to many different countries during summer vacations (something that I was not able to do).
My parents gave me a life that they never had. I have so many opportunities because they worked HARD for it. I want to make sure my kids have a better life than I do.
It’s hard not to focus on the materialistic things. I’d be lying to you if I told you that I would be happy living off of $15,000/year. Now, I totally understand that we don’t want the millions of dollars in the bak; we want the lifestyle.
I want the freedom and independence of a 9-5 job just like many people on the internet. However, I feel the community is thinking way too much about frugality and simplicity. Too many people are talking about getting rid of the expensive house and the expensive car. Who needs to travel first class or stay at luxurious hotels? Snobs…
But where I grew up, that’s the kind of life I was told to aspire to.
This is a long comment with many tangents. It does deserve a follow up blog post.
I’ll summarize with this: I will not be happy unless I can give my future family everything that I was unable to have. This includes life values, material possessions, and opportunities. If I’m able to build multiple startups and fund my ideal life that way, then I will be very happy and feel very accomplished. If I have to slave away until I’m 60 years old, then I will suck it up and do it, knowing that I’m sacrificing my “dreams” for my family.
Only time will tell what I end up doing
- Jun
The funny thing about us humans is that we don’t all want the same things. There are plenty of people who don’t even want to have kids, plant those roots of owning a house or square of dirt, or any variation of amassing a fortune.
I’ve always believed there is a balance between living for the now and planning for a possible future is probably the “smartest” thing. I still don’t know what that balance exactly may be. It’s only usually discovered after the fact.
Just about anything can happen in this lifetime, and what we want when we are 20 rarely seems to be what we want when we’re 40. I can’t speak yet for what happens when we’re 80, but I have had more than a few 80-year-olds tell me to do it while I can, do it when I’m young, or wish they had done more when they were my age.
Everyone wants something different. Those who are spending the majority of their time being happy are doing it right. Right for them, not necessarily for anyone else.
The discipline of planning for the future is admirable and should be taken seriously, but never discount the fact that you could be creamed by a milk truck 5 minutes from now.
The more you think and write, the more I realize how much alike we are.
“Having worked 20 years in a great job and having $200,000 in the bank by the time the kid is ready for college might work for some people but for me, I would much rather see where my life takes me and cross those bridges when I come to them. Saving money for a child I don’t have seems crazy to me. If and when I ever have one, my tune might change but I will worry about it then, not now.”
Yep, I feel that way too and sometimes my parents will make me feel like I’ve gone WAY off track by not saving for the future in a fiscally conservative manner. I think they thought my RTW trip was a loss at saving an extra $10,000 for my retirement (possibly) in 30 years.
Ideally, if I can find work I love, I won’t want to retire. Imagine having a 30-year old website? I have an 11-year old one and it makes me quite proud to have committed to it for so long.
Now I’m rambling.
Kirsty, I have long loved and followed your thoughts and ramblings here. But I think your interchange with Jun is as clear an exposition as I have ever seen on the fundamental difference beteen Asian and western values as I have ever seen. I wonder if you realize how much your views are influenced by your Canadian background? You don’t have to worry about your parents because your government has a reliable and generous retirement system. It is also able to provide free or reduced rate college educations for any children you may one day have, so it is easy to say they can “rely on themselves”. This leads to a Western kind of individualism that advocates “live for today” type self-actualization. You are not crediting your ancestors with making you what you are today, nor are you demanding that type of credit from your on offspring. You are not a link in an eternal chain, but more an atom in the here and now, bouncing about in the sunlight.
Jun, on the other hand, is a Filipino-American, I believe. The Philippines is far too poor to offer anything to it’s elderly. As for free education, that would be almost laughable. It is common to have to pay for good grades in some schools there, as well as to buy supplies from the teachers little side-business. Any Filipino with a good education knows in his bones that his parents helped him get it. Such conditions are prevalent throughout Asia. Ultimately it comes down to a long history of unreliable governments that have indirectly changed the way their people view the world. More a matter of history, I think, than of “right” and “wrong”.
I do have a word of advice for Jun, though. It is fine that your girlfriend dreams of an Imelda Maros-type wedding. But if she would actually accept one, RUN!
As long as you are not neglecting anyone you have a legal and moral duty to care for, such as your own children, I believe the question of selfishness or not is completely irrelevant.
What is wrong with being selfish, thinking about your interests first? Are you letting anyone down, except their expectations of following in their footsteps of mediocrity by putting yourself first?
If you decide to live an ordinary, forgetable life, will anyone on your death bed say “thank you for living such a boring life”?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being selfish as long as you take care of your children (if you have any). Everyone else should just mind their own business.
[…] Is it Selfish to Follow Your Passion? by Kirsty on Nerdy Nomad (hat tip: Bas de Baar) […]
Kirsty, thanks for continuing the discussion here! You and Jun both need to be sure to check back to the comments on TH because there is a lot going on there too.
Jun, I know you fairly well and I totally understand your concerns. You have a laundry list of responsibilities and it makes sense that you want to fulfill them and give to your family. But at the same time, it almost pains me when you say “But where I grew up, that’s the kind of life I was told to aspire to.”
As Americans especially, we have all been told to live these lavish lives, buy expensive shit, wear designer clothes, drive luxury automobiles, and have the white picket fence. Sorry for the foul language, but one of the things I say to my personal friends quite frequently is “Fuck the white picket fence.” Unless it’s truly something you want to pursue because it’s what you desire, forget it. You display a TON of interest in the traveling, independent, nontraditional, lifestyle design type life, so it seems like those aren’t really the things you want (?)
I know you love your girlfriend, and I mean nothing negative towards her, but dropping $100K on one single day, one single event, is what actually struck me as the most selfish thing discussed here. Even buying your folks a dream house—I mean, think of how long you could travel the world for that much money, or how many hungry street kids you could feed. The wedding is a nice dream, it’s very Disney, but living a year in Spain, or wherever, will make you grow and learn in new ways. It will fundamentally impact your life and your character in a way that a single event never could, and it would be worth so much more than any house on a beach.
That’s my experience and my opinion at least. $100K weddings are for the wealthy, not for everyone. For some, that could fund about 10 years of travel, or 300 thousand meals for the needy.
If you want the awesome wedding, come have it in Thailand! Or think of other ways you could “bend” the rules to have a dream wedding for less money. (Hawaii is one of the most expensive beach destinations.)
I would love to see you do what you’re passionate about and give your family a decent lifestyle. It is possible. Decent living doesn’t cost 100k a year, it doesn’t require picket fences, or BMWs or Cadillacs, or Armani suits, or Rolexes or any of that crap. Turn off the pop culture inputs for a while and decide what it is you really want, not what others expect of you or what status symbols society looks well upon. Either way, you’ll figure things out brother!
@Richard I am not Filipino. Before you classify someone, please do your research.
Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with a girl that accepts expensive, lavish gifts. I think that is only natural.
Before you assume something of someone, I suggest you make sure you know your facts
- Jun
$100k+ wedding? That’s a joke, right? What a waste of money! It’s just one day of your life. I can imagine people dreaming of such weddings… but when you start to seriously consider them, it’s time to slap yourself in the face and wake up to reality.
I struggle with very similar things as Jun talks about. Although I’m much younger (I’m still in college) I still think very long term about what I want from my life, especially as I’m setting out to start my career in the next year.
I want a lot out of my life — I want to work in the nonprofit/social enterprise arena and help transform the world into a better place, so want this to be my vocation. On the other hand, working in this field doesn’t really pay a lot, unless I end up as executive director of something or a UN high commissioner or something crazy. But at the same time, I want a comfortable life, want to provide well for my family & future kids & parents as they grow older.
I do agree with Richard that partially it’s a cultural thing. I’m Indian and I know that in Asian cultures there is a huge emphasis on family. It’s true that this influences my decision as I’m bound to be very family oriented.
But there’s still this constant conflict — how can I do what I’m passionate about and help others, while also providing for my own loved ones & making sure I myself have a comfortable enough life? I don’t need millions of dollars obviously, but I definitely want to be able to be comfortable enough.
I haven’t figured it out yet.. not sure if I ever will!
@Jun Thanks for the comment, it’s helping me get a better idea of where you’re coming from and what your goals are. People from all over the place were told to aspire to some sort of life. For me, breaking free from what society or my parents or my peers says is the ‘right way’ was a huge deal and becoming comfortable with what I have decided I want for myself and my life took awhile, but I got there, and it’s right for me. Surrounding myself with travel types has been a big help, visiting poor countries, volunteering in devastated communities, and meeting people who truly have nothing (in a material sense) have all contributed to my lack of motivation for achieving extreme personal wealth and possessions beyond what I think I need to be content. Everyone has a different level of what that will be though. The idea of someone paying $100,000 for a wedding makes me throw up in my mouth a bit, buy hey, if that’s your thing and giving someone their dream wedding makes you tick then I can’t argue with it. I look forward to reading your followup post on this and seeing if you get any answers. Oh and giving makes me happiest too but giving of my time, creativity or skills makes me far happier than anything I could buy… not sure what the person I’m giving to thinks though! haha
@Dave My parents stopped fretting about me years ago. At least openly. It helps a lot that my dad is a minimalist who has been roped in by my mum who is anything but. But the point is that my dad completely understands my lack of interest in having stuff and being rich and it’s great to have that kind of support.
@Richard The Asian/Western thing is an interesting point but not really something I know too much about. I’m not sure my views on life are that similar with other Canadians who generally want to work a job and buy stuff. I think travelling has had more of an effect on my
@Willie There’s nothing wrong with being selfish if it doesn’t hurt anyone else, I agree. I guess the question is whether not thinking about my parents’ retirement or my future kids now will end up hurting them in the future and if that makes it selfish? I don’t think so but it’s an interesting question.
@Cody “Fuck the white picket fence.” Exactly. I tend to surround myself with people who think that way so it’s been really interesting to hear Jun’s thoughts. It’s not that often I have a conversation with someone who actually wants the ‘fence’ and it’s an eye-opener. It makes me happy to have broken free from that mentality when I read Jun’s comment but just because it’s not right for me doesn’t mean it’s not right for him. Just as long as, like you say, he really wants that life and chooses it and doesn’t feel pressured into it.
@Akhila That’s the question! It hasn’t been answered here but it’s been fun discussing it.
@Richard …oops I forgot to finish… I think travelling has had more of an effect on my attitude towards aspiring to be rich and own stuff than just growing up in Canada has.
Jun, I wrote a fairly thought-out answer that I thought tended more to side with your position than to denigrate it. Jun is a common Filipino first name, but I have no way of knowing your ancestery, and from your rudeness, wouldn’t be much interested anyway!
Kirsty you are either a traveller or you are not - I am you are, some Americans are too - but not maybe as many as a percentage as Canadians and Kiwis! Having travel in the gene means that about the third time you ahve to pack up a whole load of stuff you own, pay or beg for storage space and then unpack it years later to promptly give it all to the local Sally Army store - means that you get over the whole ownership thing!
My partner unfortunately is not so much - that’s why we are heading back to NZ he wants to be nearer is elderly mother. She has never travelled so she kinds expects her son around - I only came home when my mother was terminally ill- and she had kept that information from me for months (as I would in the same situation) - because she didn’t want me to feel obliged to come home. She too had travelled (she cycled around England with just a couple of girls she met on the ship over - in 1953!) she understood. She understood you don’t need to be physically present to be close - at that was in the days when phone calls cost real money and queued for hours to make one in most countries!
its tough when the family doesn’t understand that some of us just have to travel -read some history - James Cook was classic - you either have to travel or you don’t.
Re the financial side of things. At 39 I had no savings - it took me about 6 years to become financially secure - I agressively invested in real estate at the right time. Now I am busy building a business which pays me less than a job now but will pay me a lot more long term - this is where I think Jun has it wrong - a job is only as good as an employer - a business is a lot more robust - particularly an online one with its low start up costs. its people who have worked and saved all their lives who are sold a pup in terms of retirement savings - because they are trusting financial advisors who were more interested in the fees.
In short (and this is not LOL) - you can have it all - in fact I would have thought that the last few years should have taught Americans in particular that doing the conventional thing of working for the man and investing in 401s was one of the riskiest options out there!
And I am almost bizarrely intriguedj - how the hell can you spend $100k on a wedding ? I really can’t quite imagine that - like physically how could it cost that much?
[…] Is it Selfish to Follow Your Passion? – Nerdy Nomad […]
Interesting thoughts…I believe though that Richard’s Western/Asian parallels deserve a second look. We could disagree at some levels the impact of our cultural or economic background, but undeniably…it is the foundation in which we build our lives as we acquire more experiences along the way. Like you Kirsty, in following your passion you have chosen to give something noble along the way…you will know when it’s time to be selfish. Just now, go…enjoy…and help the world while you can!
As a Filipina, I can’t disagree with the sentiments Richard had presented, and because of the struggles I witnessed growing up, I feel guilty spending lavishly…even in providing for my family. I operate not on my wants alone; it has to carry something beneficial to someone else…as always–my selfish desires!
Bottom line…it has to be a match to be happy…$100K or P100 wouldn’t matter if you both wish it to be. You could live on anything you could gladly share, and the rest will follow.
Anyone who is worried about how they will provide for their family if they follow their passion should look to the documentary movie “Surfwise” for inspiration. A (ivy league?) doctor becomes a complete dropout - has nine kids with his third wife. The eleven of them live in a small camper and spend their time chasing waves around North and Central America. It’s certainly not a glamorous existence, but it was a pure experience for all of them.
[…] There has been a lot of talk about passion and responsibilities recently. My friend Jun is someone I know is really intrigued by the mobile lifestyle, but he recently wrote about the challenges of doing what he’s truly passionate about because of his responsibilities to family. Then “Nerdy Nomad” Kirsty asked if it’s selfish to reject the average lifestyle, and others’ expectations of you, to follow your passion. […]
Of course it’s being selfish. But so what? To whom am I responsible? I’m only responsible for myself.
Besides if you truly look into how the world works and where it’s going then you’ll see that to be selfish in this way (I’m not talking about hurting others or the environment) is the only way to be.
A lot of people talk about how sensible it is invest in a pension fund, buy a house, save for a wedding. But those people are just going on with the wisdom of what worked over the past 50 years. Problem is the next 50 won’t be like the last 50. A combination of environmental and demographic factors will ensure this. Anyone notice the big financial crisis that happened. I had a bunch of ‘sensible’ friends who bought houses just at the peak, now they owe more money than they can get back for selling the house. No one listened to my ‘crazy’ ideas.
Jun, I don’t want to judge what you think will be good for you but the cold hard scientifically researched fact is that most people only get a short term happiness boost from owning things and much longer satisfaction from experiences. Chances are that after the initial high of having the dream house / car / thingamabob you’ll think ‘Is this is? I thought I would be happy when I finally ‘made it’ but I’m not’. Read ‘Affluenza’ by Oliver James for the research done on this.
As far as the $100, 000 wedding, it may be natural for a woman raised on MTV and Sex and the City… but not every woman is like that.
It is not selfish at all to follow your passion. Most of us are probably envious of what you get to accomplish. You are at a point in your life where you don’t have other responsibilities weighing you down. So by all means, live your dreams and go with the flow. There will be plenty of time later in life where you can get more serious and responsible. For now, have fun while you can.
Interesting post about follow your passion. I think everybody have rights to follow your passions but we understood our responsibilities.
When I was small, I wanted a Ferrari Testarossa. You see, I have red hair; when I found out that “Testarossa” literally means “red head”, I decided in the unequivocal way children can, that it was my dream car.
Then I saw one… and I thought, “hmmm… that’s a pretty ugly car” - but it was my publicly stated “dream car” so I held onto it.
Shortly after starting my first company, I sat in a Ferrari for the first time. I was so excited - finally, I was going to get what I had always wanted. As I sat myself into that fine Italian leather, it felt fantastic. For a wonderful moment… until I realized, “It’s just a car.”
It wasn’t the car that I wanted. It was the concept that the car represented. It was the feeling that I thought the car would give me. Pursuing the car was great in that it took me closer towards things that I really did want (excellence, achievement, impact, joy, passion…). But it wasn’t about the car.
The feelings of what you really want are the destinations… the surface desires are just vehicles for getting there. Make sure you get to the destination by a vehicle that suits you rather than just one that seems to work for you.
My wife is pregnant with our first child. If I don’t live my life true to my heart - giving it my all, pursuing with passion the object of my heart’s desires - what sort of role model will I be for my son? What sort of husband will I be if I am not living with the integrity of being my own man?
I’ve found that when I can focus on living in the moment and following my passions, opportunities show up that I could never have prepared or planned for… when you can put your cup of water back into the ocean, you can work with the force of the ocean. You can’t do it half-heartedly… but when I have really gone for it, I feel alive.
@Jun, when I live with passion and purpose, my Shanghainese wife lights up and showers me with love in a way that is unleashed when a woman sees her man being her knight in shining armor.
And while I wish I could bottle it, you just can’t buy that.
[…] I was just reading how some people make excuses for not following their passion… and thought that I might respond in support of following your passion. […]
Your passion will make you happy. So follow them - by hook or by crook. That’s my motto. It’s my life, I have all the right to enjoy my life. That’s all
I found this post doing an internet search in Goggle “following your dreams as opposed to being responsible”.
I am a 42 yr old female. I wanted to be an artist when I was a teenager. The only thing I was ever really good at was drawing and saying exactly what was on my mind. Every good friend I ever had told me I should be in some kind of art school, but I had no idea how to make it happen or any encouragement at home to pursue it ( because my parents paid too much attention to their dreams to notice ours). So, when I graduated I joined the military then married some idiot and got pregnant and found myself single again with a baby and back home with my parents. I finally decided to go to college but felt that I needed something that would pay the bills so I chose nursing because someone I knew was a nurse and I found out she made a lot of money and I thought I was smarter than her (lol). I have been a nurse for 15+ years now. I despise it! I hate my whiney “follower” coworkers, I hate the fact that I cannot in any way use my brain and think for myself. I hate the unhealthy meds and detrimental procedures that I peddle to my patients, because I’m told to. It is so bad I get knots in my stomach every evening before I go to work. I avoid going until the last minute because I don’t want to go and consequently I am always late and present like a complete idiot flying in last minute already flustered. When my last day in a row is finished I spend the whole next day trying to de-stress and forget about the place. I put everything that reminds me of the place in a separate area of my house so I don’t even have to look at it until I have to go to work again! I even get knots looking at paystubs so I get direct deposit. I had problems being what they expected of me from the moment I graduated because it just isn’t in my nature. I wanted to quit, but my son was young and my family reminded me that I had responsibilities and I did.. so I stayed in the profession. Now I’m desperate to never set foot in a hospital again.
Call me selfish if you want to, I’m beyond it now. I don’t see how that can be, when I waited this long for my son to grow up so I could do what I wanted. I’m not selfish, I’m self preserving to want to have just a little happiness in my life! I figure if I love what I do then I will spend more time doing it. I’ll do it better and I’ll be sucessful because I will be dedicated and confident and if I have to sacrifice for it, it won’t feel like the end of the world. It will be a part of my life, not some separate thing I have to do unlike now. Now, I feel like a prostitute with this whole other life, that I try to keep separate from me. These are the consequences of not following your dreams guys.
Is this what you want? Is it how you want to live or have the people you love, live?
Follow your dreams if you can. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary.